Trust - Part 3

Previously, Dropped in My Spirit discussed several foundational principals of Trust, factors that might affect our ability to Trust others, and some of the ways in which Trust can be manifested in very different relationships. This week in Trust – Part 3, we will examine themes that address the further development of Trust in our relationships as well as how we might approach the concept of reconciliation when Trust is broken. Please pass Dropped in My Spirit on to anyone you feel might benefit from participating in its reading. As always, I invite you to add your comments, points of view and experiences. If you have not done so already, please subscribe to Dropped in My Spirit. Have a fabulously blessed day!

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Development

In making the decision to trust, we generally start off with baby steps, very preliminary trusting situations. Perhaps arrangements are made to chat on the phone, meet for coffee, lunch, dinner, take in a movie, visit each other’s homes, etc. If that person shows up for several, successive meetups, you’re good to go. Then we might move on to deeper levels of trust. This is where we start to depend on others for support, having someone to lean on in difficult situations, turning to someone for their counsel, trusting someone to provide a safe space, a no judgment zone to share confidences, etc. Over time, as we venture into different levels of trust and if all goes well, the precious commodity of trust becomes second nature. We hardly give it a thought. Unfortunately, this is not the typical outcome in many relationships. After the initial stages, for one reason or another, we become disappointed by the person we decided to trust. The person does not uphold their end of the bargain, we are devastated by a betrayal, and the person just becomes a ghost right here on earth.

There can be cases in which we extend trust to others who through their action or inaction, ultimately prove to be untrustworthy, unreliable, untruthful and an overall shady character. When you needed them to be there for you, they were nowhere to be found. To make matters worse, when you next encountered them, they assumed no responsibility or accountability. They apparently did not give much thought to their problematic behavior. Were they aware of what their actions meant to you and how it might affect your relationship? Did they even care?

Reconciliation

This brings us to the question, is there life after broken trust? We have at least two options at this point. Taking an inventory of the relationship, we can decide whether it would be worthy to repair, or attempt to repair, the damage. We would have to decide whether we would like to move forward in the relationship or if severing all ties would be the better option. In addition to these obvious courses of action, perhaps we should try to appreciate what we might learn from the experience. Reviewing this from the perspective of the offender, what could have led them to being untrustworthy? There could have been some experience in this person’s past that left them torn or with a distorted view of what a healthy relationship looks like. This is not to give this person an excuse. Rather, it is an opportunity for us to consider other possibilities than just this is a bad person or, conversely, beating ourselves up for not realizing sooner that trusting this person was not some of our best work. In the spirit of reconciliation, we must be open to talk about what happened. Discuss with the other party what your expectations were and how they were not met. You should be willing to consider how you might have contributed to the breakdown in communication and to suggest how you would like to see the relationship move forward. Just as important, be ready and willing to listen to the other person’s side of things. Although this is not a foolproof approach, it should open both sides up to each other’s concerns. Hopefully, a misunderstanding is corrected, the breach is repaired, and the relationship can continue. Alternatively, and based on the other person’s reactions to your attempt at reconciliation, ending the relationship might be inevitable.

Keep in mind that while pondering this dilemma, we should allow ourselves legitimate concerns about trust and not accept that which might cause us harm, compromise our integrity, or prevent us from maintaining a reasonable level of self-protection. Our first priority should be to ourselves in pursuit of healthy relationships.

Thinking back on the first time, last time, or any time you might have been hurt due to realizing the fact that one person or another could not be trusted, what choices led to the culmination of this outcome? Is there anything that you could have done differently? Was there an inadvertent offence perceived by the other party? Was something or someone taken for granted? We must remember that as humans, none of us is infallible. We must keep this in mind when assigning, accepting, or withholding trust. Honestly, we can trust some folks only to a point. That’s not a bad thing. For these others, we must adjust our trust and approach the relationship based on the degree to which this person can be trusted. There are some for whom that point is zero – it does not exist and they cannot be trusted. Again, this is not necessarily a bad thing, it is just an unfortunate reality. No one is perfect and trusting others is not a perfect construct from person to person.

Next Installment: Part 4 – Providence, Scriptural, Biblical

Prayer

Our Father in heaven, we thank you for your patience with us as we negotiate challenges not only to trust others but to be trustworthy ourselves. We ask that you help us to become more like Christ through victory over the trials we face each day. Amen.