Trust - Part 2
- Sandra A. Hall-Brewster
- Apr 26, 2021
- 5 min read
Previously, Dropped in My Spirit introduced and reviewed the definition of Trust. Part 1 also included questions for you to ponder as we began this series on Trust. This week in Trust – Part 2, we will explore the overall background and certain aspects of Trust within our relationships. It is my prayer that this discussion has been and will continue to be relatable and that it might provoke a memory or experience that has revealed itself as a blessing in your life. As always, I invite you to add your comments, points of view and experiences. Feel free to share this blog with others and if you have not done so already, please subscribe to Dropped in My Spirit. Have a fabulously blessed day!
Background
We do not possess the gift of knowing whether every person we meet will be trustworthy. Our propensity to trust others is developed one relationship at a time. Based on things like first impressions, past experiences, and mutual acquaintances we create and use certain criteria to assign or withhold trust. When we opt to trust someone, unless we have prior information about the other party, that decision is usually based on our impressions. Trust can be sparked by things as simple as a trusting face, endearing personality, irrepressible smile, reassuring self-confidence, or other traits that exude positive energy. Following this thinking, trust is then given without any basis other than a feeling or intuition that surely this person is trustworthy. Sometimes, this works out really well. Other times, it does not.
In terms of our past, our history includes positive and negative interactions that establish how we develop and view trust. Starting from the time we were born and the whole world revolved around us, our brains started to piece together what it means to trust someone. It was easier to trust early on in life since at that time, and assuming a positive, nurturing environment, our needs generally were met. Parents provide for their children, and they are – to different degrees – loved, nurtured, fed and sheltered, sent off to school, graduate from high school, and it continues. Life is good. Inevitably, we grow up and experience one glimpse after another of a more accurate semblance of reality. More to come on that later.
In the event someone does not experience a nurturing, positive, trusting growth environment in their early developmental years, trust is not easily, if ever, developed. If there is any chance of transforming this person’s capacity to give and receive trust on any level, trust likely would have to be earned or proven before it is given. For most who never learned to trust, it is a foreign concept. This bleak life experience arguably can produce a person who is untrustworthy and incapable of receiving trust from others. They are not able to give what they do not have.
We might be more comfortable trusting people if they are introduced to us by someone we already know and trust. This relationship is one that develops gradually as we interact with these mutual acquaintances, observe how they get along with others and pay attention to what other people have to say about them. Even after this level of scrutiny, there are no guarantees.
Then there are people we meet and distrust from the start. That person could trigger a negative memory around trust. The person might remind us of someone physically or there could be something about their presence that we cannot quite put our finger on that causes us to withhold our trust. Sometimes our “Spidey senses” just warn us against trusting certain people.
Along our path, the twists and turns of life, we encounter all kinds of people and develop relationships. As a result of unsavory interactions starting with the elementary schoolyard bully to high school, college and workplace cliques, we learn to erect boundaries around social interactions to defend ourselves. We initiate these survival tactics or defense mechanisms in an effort to protect ourselves against perceived dangers, harm and distress. We defend ourselves against disappointment. We defend ourselves against heartbreak. We defend ourselves against retribution. Your best friend betrays you by whispering your deepest secret to someone. You might have had a high school or college sweetheart break your heart by sashaying off with someone else. Mom or Dad might have decided to abandon the family, leaving you feeling that it was your fault. Perhaps there was an abusive parent in the household that you prayed would just leave. Possibly some other traumatic event has been buried that has left an impression on your psyche about trust. As these events and many others shatter your trust in others, they also gnaw at the edges of your trust in yourself. After multiple disappointments perpetuated by untrustworthy others, you begin to wonder whether you have the capacity to discern who should and should not be perceived as trustworthy.
Relationship
Trust shows up differently based on the type of relationship. There are some relationships where trust is based on a professional courtesy. Trust is given, received, and developed out of necessity. There is little genuine, personal attachment for the most part, it serves a purpose that is more transactional. Business or work-related relationships would fall in this category. Trust, which is needed to function most effectively within the relationship, is not necessarily a deal breaker if broken.
Other relationships have a personal foundation and my theory is although they might struggle at some point, these relationships thrive better in a trusting environment. These might include relatives, friends, or a select few co-workers. In these cases, the trust factor does not absolutely ensure a do or die type connection. When trust is broken, depending on the nature of the breach, many times these relationships do survive. Adjustments to the relationship generally can be made without completely sacrificing the bond or creating nonnegotiable compromises for either party. Being honest about what the relationship really is versus what we might like it to be, we likely will approach this acquaintance with a bit more skepticism or caution. In these relationships, we are not quite ready to sever all ties with the other person for various reasons. We learn to adjust our expectations and move forward, setting boundaries as necessary.
Our most intimate relationships cannot fully develop and exist in a healthy environment without trust. We have an almost insatiable need to trust those who are closest to our hearts. These relationships are the ones that are much harder to walk away from or maintain within a spirit of trust that has been compromised. The survival of these relationships can be very difficult in terms of moving forward after adjusting for untrustworthy behavior. In addition to the pillars of love and respect, trust is a major component of intimate relationships. Without trust, they have no clear path to love, respect, or any realistic healthy, long-term prospects. Trust is the air that our intimate relationships need to breathe.
Next Installment: Part 3 – Development, Reconciliation
Prayer
Father, for your blessings of family, community, and other relationships, we thank you. For your presence that teaches us to fellowship with others in the Spirit of love and humility, we thank you. Please continue to guide us as we navigate these issues each day. Amen.
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